


Untitled Goose Wars

by GaoGaiGar_The_King



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack that I have taken way too seriously, This is crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-13
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:41:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23126431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaoGaiGar_The_King/pseuds/GaoGaiGar_The_King
Summary: A battle goes wrong, and several clones get turned into geese.And they are not happy about it.AKA The Untitled Goose Wars AU
Comments: 4
Kudos: 61





	Untitled Goose Wars

The Separatist commander surveyed from his fortress the planet before him, his for the taking, all under his control. Battle droids marched the streets, rounding up rebellious citizens and shipping the locals into… Well, he didn’t want to call it slavery. That felt cruel. More like… Re positioning of unwilling labour. That sounded nicer. A small smirk crossed his lips.

“The Republic is on its way to try and recapture this planet.” The hologram of Count Dooku informed him. “We can’t afford to lose it or it will endanger our supply routes.”

“I understand that, Count. The Republic can come, we are prepared.” The commander sat back in his throne. He was a Senator as well as a commander, but the position of power, of ruling over people like this was more intoxicating than his influence in the Separatist senate. Nobody can argue with him here. He was in control.

“You are certain about that? The Jedi can be deceptive, they are clever. They have dispatched Generals Skywalker and Kenobi, a most formidable duo together.” Dooku informed him, sounding almost admiring in a way. A wise commander respected their opponent’s strength, after all.

“Formidable the Jedi might be, but our scientists have developed a new bio weapon. One that will eradicate their clone legions-” The words were spat with more than a little bit of disgust “-At the deepest, molecular level. It will completely destroy their DNA, erasing their cells and reducing them to little more than atoms in an instant.” The commander smirked, more than proud of his scientist’s creation. “It’s proven successful so far in experiments on animals and other organics.”

“A powerful weapon indeed. If this battle run proves successful, it will be a fine addition to our arsenals and could easily turn the tide of this war in our favour.” Dooku noted, a tiny smile crossing the hologram of the Sith Lord’s lips. “I look forward to hearing how it fares.”

“Of course, Count. I will get back to you as soon as the Jedi are crushed.” The commander laughed, ending the call and calling for his Tactical Droid.

* * *

“Well, now this should be interesting.” Obi-Wan mused, stood on the bridge of his flagship, the Negotiator, in a holocall with Anakin aboard the Resolute as they flew through hyperspace.

“Our intelligence informs us that the Separatists are using the locals for meat shields and… Slavery.” A dark edge touched Anakin’s voice as he spat the last word, but Obi-Wan understood why and didn’t call him out on it. Ahsoka looked at him sideways though, a knowing gleam in her eye. They’d have to watch him this mission.

“Then it looks like we’re going in carefully. No explosives and as little destruction on our part as possible. It will make things harder, but, we’ve dealt with worse.” Obi-Wan mused, reaching to stroke his beard thoughtfully. “They don’t have much of a blockade around the planet, so it should be easy getting ourselves to the surface and securing a landing zone.”

Admiral Yularen stepped up to the table, his hologram appearing alongside Anakin and a depiction of the planet, pointing out potential landing sites and the droid’s strongholds around the capital and major cities. Once settled on a plan, the Jedi nodded in agreement and set to work, ordering their troopers to gear up as they approached their destination, the ships soon jolting out of hyperspace. It was a sensation in the gut that took some getting used to, and almost immediately, the battle began.

The droid forces in orbit were quickly crushed, gunned down in a blazing heap of metal, the wreckages being finished off by the fighter pilots. Gunships soon followed into the planet’s atmosphere, landing the Jedi and their troops on the surface in a hail of droid fire.

The usual. Routine. They didn’t even need to give orders, the veteran troops knew exactly what to do, creating the defensive perimeter on their own and they soon seized control of this droid outpost, creating themselves a staging ground to move on to the rest of the planet.

A few hours later, and the Jedi were stood in their temporary command centre, looking at their maps and battle plans as the sun set. “I don’t want to say it, but this almost feels… Too easy. Even for stupid clankers.” Rex tilted his head, thinking. “It almost feels like we’re being led into something.”

“Well, if we are, it’s nothing we can’t handle.” Anakin grinned, confidence emanating from him.

“I don’t want to bring down the wrath of bad luck upon us, but I agree with the Captain. The droids were all too eager to surrender their outpost. I have a bad feeling.” Obi-Wan muttered, turning to Cody. “Send out some scouts to see what’s around. Look for booby traps, hidden routes, anything that could be used to surprise us. And keep an eye out for the locals too, the ones that were here seem to have vanished already.”

Cody nodded, giving a small salute before marching off to gather some men together.

A few hours later, the scouts reported back that the place was empty. No civilians, no droids, no traps. Nothing. If the troops had felt unease before, by now it was a sickening gut feeling. Something was most definitely wrong, but none of them wanted to breathe life into any possibilities. Instead, the Jedi ordered there troops and artillery together to march for the capital.

Dawn broke. Hours had passed, the Jedi cruisers returned to orbit long ago as the weary troops marched towards the capital, lead by their two Generals and Commander. The clones had been conditioned with endurance beyond the usual lifeforms could handle, but carrying packs and munitions, rations and themselves that they couldn’t load onto their tanks took its toll, wearing them down. They made camp to rest, but no rest came to them. Instead, in the few houses on the very outskirts of the capital, they were beset upon by battle droids, harassing their ranks and causing as much disruption as possible, driving them away from their camp and supplies.

* * *

“The Republic are at the outskirts of the capital.” The hologram of Count Dooku warned, annoyance colouring his voice.

“Don’t worry Count. We have those clone scum right where we want them, our new weapon is being loaded onto Vulture bombers as we speak.” A fanged smirk was what the Count saw, as the commander moved to the window, seeing the smoke on the horizon from the battle, flashes of laser fire streaking into the sky, harmlessly hitting buildings. Clawed fingers twitched, giving the order for the bombers to take off.

Dooku smiled.

* * *

Rex spotted the incoming bombers on his helmet scope, yelling. “INCOMING!”

Skywalker’s answering yell of “FIND COVER! NOW!” was the last thing that was heard, clones scrambling to hide in buildings or behind their armoured tanks as the bomb released. It exploded prematurely, in midair, but it left its mark. Most of the 501st and several of the 212th were caught in the blast. Obi-Wan, Anakin and Cody had made it to cover. Ahsoka was behind, and Rex jumped on her, covering her smaller body with his own armoured one.

The dust settled, and the remaining troops slowly peaked their heads from their cover, eyes falling upon what lay before them. Empty uniforms, empty armour littered the ground before them. Ahsoka slowly turned over, now liking the feeling of weightlessness above her when before there had been a hard body. Except…

The battle droids pointed and cheered, celebrating prematurely. The uniforms shifted, and from them emerged…

_Geese._

Geese with various different colours of feathers decorating them, looking identical other than blue or yellow markings.

Rex’s armour shifted and from it emerged a goose with yellow feathers, matching his blond hair, a pauldron around his neck partially covering one wing joint, and blue marks above it’s eyes that resembled the striking Jaig eyes on his helmet. The Rex-Goose straightened it’s neck, eyes landing on the battle droids, and sucked in a deep breath before letting out a loud

_**“HONK!”** _

It seemed like a simultaneous call to attack as the other clone geese gained their bearings and the remaining survivors looked on in awe as the mass of geese charged at the battle droids, dodging fire and nipping at their feet, flying and swopping at the battle droid’s ugly banana shaped heads. Geese that resembled Echo and Fives lead that charge, more than fitting of the pair of troopers.

It at least caused enough chaos that the remaining troops and the Jedi could open fire and charge, levelling the droids and sending even more chaos up the ranks.

Within less than half an hour, the battlefield was littered with disassembled droids, pecked to pieces and shot down, and the Separatist commander had been forced to surrender. A lone goose walked among the wounded, honking and making displeased sounds. The red mark on it’s wing made the men realise with a start that that was Kix, their chief medic, now in goose form. Anakin ordered the second medic, Kitter, to take over.

Kitter, ever quiet, weighed his words carefully before speaking directly to the Jedi, something he rarely did himself. “With all due respect, injured brothers I can handle. Injured geese though? You guys better acquire me some holovids on veterinary care.” He gave them a meaningful look, green eyes striking before he tied up his hair and got to work tending the wounded men, Kix more than happily honking him through the mess of armour and a few bodies.

Rex made a honk sound before he flapped across the floor, eventually taking off and landing square on Anakin’s head, much to the Jedi’s displeasure, and his Master, Padawan and even Cody’s amusement.

“Great… We better find out how to undo this and as soon as possible.” He muttered while Rex started preening his feathers.

**Author's Note:**

> Untitled Goose Wars was made by myself and a friend, thegoosepotions. She's made some very good clone geese designs, check them out on her Tumblr. https://thegoosepotions.tumblr.com/tagged/star-wars-clone-wars
> 
> On another note, this turned out WAY darker at the beginning than I wanted it to for some crack. But also the proverbial whiplash is such an out there effect I don't want to lose it.
> 
> I also don't know how to write large scale battles, so that's something.


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